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Rubio The Cruel is a fictional villain from Peg's pirate story, A Ship Called Passion, in the season 7 episode, "Peggy and the Pirates".

He is played by David Garrison, who previously played the Bundy neighbor, Steve Rhoades in the first four seasons of Married... with Children.

Description[]

He appears to be a man in his 40s and well dressed in dandy fashion, especially when compared to Captain Courage and his crewmen. He boasted that he was trained in sword fighting by the finest swordsmen in Europe. He also sings showtunes horribly, causing much of Captain Courage's crew to commit suicide. He is the de facto Pirate King.

Background[]

After Captain Courage's ship navigator causes yet another crash, the ship is boarded by Rubio. After killing one of Price Paco's men, he warns the men to hide the women and the women to hide their hennies, as he plans to use his unique style to take the ship over.

He is then joined by a trio of men known as "The Rubettes" and leads them in a song and dance performance of "The Pirate King" and "I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General" from Gilbert and Sullivan's The Pirates of Penzance, followed by a rendition of "The Trolley Song" by Judy Garland. Despite his stage presence and musical talent, the majority of the ship crew can't stand his singing and end up committing suicide by jumping off of the ship or stabbing themselves in the chest.

After finishing his performance, he tells the rest of the surviving crew members that it is now time to take the princess and kill everyone else. Princess Scarlet tries to convince Paco to kill Rubio, but Paco is afraid of ruining his clothes. He then confesses that he is actually attracted to the "Cabin Boy-Girl".

He then calls his men to bring out the virgin he came for, though they accidentally bring out the hunchback Flubio. He reminds his men that he hasn't been out to sea that long and demands his "red-headed goddess". Scarlet refuses to comply, stating that Rubio's voice and limited repertoire is a turn-off. The princess takes a sword and easily disarms The Rubettes, much to his annoyance. After she challenges him, Rubio simply walks up unarmed and sings "A Wand'ring Minstrel, I", from Gilbert and Sullivan's The Mikado. The sound of his singing voice instantly causes her to drop her sword and scream out in pain as he takes her by the arm and restrains her.

Realizing that she doesn't want to be married to a man that would butcher both her and the musical work of Gilbert and Sullivan, she desperately convinces Captain Courage to fight Rubio and marry her. Although he prefers the sea and his girly magazines, he eventually accepts her offer despite her claims that she loves to cook and clean, will be too busy working to have kids with him, and is also a virgin.

After getting some help from the "Cabin Boy-Girl", Al challenges Rubio to a swordfight, that runs into their dinner and then the next day. After getting caught in a clinch, and struggle to dominate, Rubio assures Captain Courage that he is the better fighter as he was taught by the finest swordsmen in Europe. Captain Courage rebukes his claims and boast that he was taught to fight in the streets, quickly knees Rubio in the groin, dropping him to the floor. Captain Courage then stands with his new woman atop of the defeated Rubio.


Appearances[]

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