Vital Social Issues 'N Stuff with Kelly (typeset as Vital Social Issues 'N Stuff with KELLY) was a Public Access Television show hosted by Kelly Bundy. It consisted of Kelly and her friends wearing risqué outfits and presenting high-school gossip-topics...while having an all-girl heavy metal-band perform songs (most of which consisted of a single spoken word, preceded by a single guitar riff).
VSI&SWK became popular enough to be put on Prime Time, for regular TV. Yet their new producer wrecked the entire concept by changing Kelly and her panel into innocent wallflower characters...whiie "Joanie and the Slashettes" became accordion players. Predictably, the doctored version of the show was canceled halfway through its first episode.
Background[]
The concept for Kelly getting her own show occurred after a planned class outing for her modeling school did not go well for her. The students were sent to a local public access station to record themselves on tape as part of their "Poise and Personality" test. Kelly then claims that her teacher, Mrs. Jones, deliberately delayed her, due to a prior incident. As she explained to Al and Bud, sometime before the trip, Kelly noticed during class that Mrs. Jones wore a pair of jeans that said "Guess" (referring to the clothing brand) and thought it meant that anyone who saw Mrs. Jones wearing those jeans should guess her waist size to receive a prize. She then tells Mrs. Jones "Size 42", which upsets the teacher. Kelly continues on that the studio ran out of time to give her a chance to record herself and turn in the tape for her test.
A few moments later, Jefferson D'Arcy arrives at the Bundy Residence and watches a show called Short-Haired Women in Banking as Marcy is one of the guests. After seeing Marcy humiliate Jefferson by bringing up his intimacy issues, Kelly asks how Marcy was able to get her own show. Jefferson reveals that all it takes to be on a public access network is $35 and "a pack of lies". She immediately turns to Al and begs for the money, but he tells her that they don't have any money.
A few days later, as Al skips work to find something to watch on cable, Bud informs him that Kelly was about to make her debut on the public access channel. Kelly runs in and asks she is on yet, but Al points out that its a cartoon. She explains to her father and brother that she wanted to make a show that the youth of America can relate to. Finally, her show debuts, where the topic of the show is "Men's Butts". She then proceeds to humiliate Al by pointing out that he couldn't give her the money to be on television because he's a shoe salesman. Instead, she turned to her unemployed teenage friends who also get to be her guests panelists. She then reveals how much they gave:
- Cyndy - $10
- Roberta - $10
- Samantha - $14.50 (noting that she's rich as her father knocks off convivence stores)
- Vincent "Vinnie" Verducci - $0.50
Despite the topic being about "Men's Butts" her first guest, Vinnie, goes into a rant about wearing a helmet while riding a motorcycle and how it would affect his chances at flirting. Due to his measly donation and nonsensical rant, Kelly quick him off the set. After introducing the house band, "Joanie and the Slashettes", Kelly returns the panel back to the original topic. The girls unanimously nominate actor Mel Gibson and mention the 1987 film, Lethal Weapon, in which he showed his bare buttocks on film.
Next, she introduces Jeannie, a young woman who was given a perm that was so terrible, her face had to be partially obscured. After Jeannie expressed all the painful emotions that she went through after seeing the perm, Kelly urges viewers to donate to "555-PERM". As Kelly comes up behind Jeannie to comfort her, she quickly tilts her to the side, exposing her true identity as she warns viewers that a bad perm can happen to anyone. She then quickly changes the mood to introduce the band once again, causing the unobscured Jeannie and others to smile and applaud.
Kelly introduces her favorite topic, "Slut of the Week", in which she and her friends complain about the girls that they don't like. The girl that they bestowed the title upon is Vicky, whose face and home phone number are immediately displayed on the screen. The girls proceed to explain that Vicky earned the title as she was too cheap to give $1.50 to be on the show and that she doesn't return clothes that she borrows (or is she does return them, she does so without returning the hanger that they came with). As Roberta and Samantha call Vicky "trash" and "dirt", Jeannie reveals that Vicky was the girl who gave her the terrible perm, horrifying the other girls. An upset Kelly looks directly into the camera and concludes that for her misdeeds, she and the girls are sending Vicky a "Get a Yeast Infection Salute".
To conclude the show, she segues into a topic called "Career Day" where she has Roberta ask her about going to modeling school. It quickly turns into a rant (with "Editorial" flashing on the bottom of screen) where Kelly calls her classmates "Skanks" and that her teacher stinks because they wouldn't let be on television, before giving a snarky laugh and bragging that she finally did it. After her and the girls (including the band) struggle to figure out how to read a clock to tell time, Kelly joins the band and sings a song that she wrote, with its lyrics being "I'm on TV and you're not! Drop Dead, Mrs. Jones! Die! Size 42!"
Back at the Bundy residence, Bud and Al are left speechless at what they just witnessed. As Kelly asks for their opinion, the two men step into the kitchen and discuss pretending that they didn't pay attention, in order to avoid upsetting Kelly. When they agree, they are about to tell Kelly about not paying attention, but she cuts them off as she reveals that her show was actually popular enough that she and her friends will be on every week now. Upon hearing this, the men decide to change their story and then audition for Kelly so they can be on the show. Al does a dramatic reading of the pop song, "Duke of Earl", while Bud flexes his muscles and poses to the tune of "Also sprach Zarathustra".
Three weeks later, Bud and Al are surprised that the show is still airing and wonder if she proved the Bundy Curse wrong by being successful. Although Al is confident that as a Bundy, she will not be successful, she comes home and reveals that her show has been picked up by a major network for prime time and the show will be going to Hollywood.
Upon arriving at NBS Studios in Hollywood, California, Kelly and her family are greeted by Jeff Littlehead, a network executive who helped get her show picked up by NBS. He shows Kelly and her family the new revamped set for her show, designed to resemble a teenage girl's bedroom. Although she is nervous about not making it, since she's going from a local public access channel in Chicago to a prime time show on a major network in Hollywood, Al reassures that she'll do fine because she has cuteness like every Bundy and its showbusiness, so brains and talent are not required.
During a rehearsal recording, Kelly and the girls inform the viewers that they have moved from a local public access channel to NBS. They then mention that in doing the research for their topic last week, "Men's Butts", there was one particular person they completely overlook. To make it up to him, the girls announce that the "Butt of the Year" goes to actor Jason Priestley, while screaming out Beverly Hills, 90210, the FOX primetime drama that he starred in. Kelly suggests to Priestley that if he happens to be watching the show, he can meet them later at their hotel, the fabulous Motel 2 (a parody of the budget motel chain, Motel 6) on the corner of Ghetto and Gang, and to turn left at the hobo who calls himself "Moondoggie".
Kelly then switch topics and talks about Johnny DiBedetto, a young man that apparently went out with all of the panelists at one point. They all recount how during make out sessions, he would attempt to shove his tongue down their throat but missed and instead, hit their eye, swallowed an earring or contact lens, or in Samantha's case, missed her head altogether and hit her dog instead. They all agree that Johnny sucks and suggest to viewers that if they should go out with him to not wear anything that can fit down his throat and blow a raspberry at him. Despite their complaints, they quickly admit that they all still think he's cute and giggle. Kelly introduces the band and then announces that Jeannie has allowed the girls to shave her hair off, since she believes it is completely ruined.
After the cameras stop rolling, Jeff comes up and congratulates Kelly. He proceeds to describe how amazing it was with a long winded baseball game analogy (which eventually creeps Kelly out and causes her to hide behind Al). He then tells her that the executives like the show, but before she continues recording the rest of the episode, they have a few tiny suggestions for her. He then proceeds to hand her a large packet with sticky notes on it.
Sometime later, the Bundy trio are back at home in Chicago, with Kelly sulking as she notes that they retooled her show and then proceeded to cancel it. Al tries to reassure her that what the executives did was based on research to fit the modern teenager of the early 1990s. He then proceeds to turn on the television, showing how much was revamped.
In the revamped series, Kelly and her friends, who look rather uncomfortable, had their modern wardrobe that consisted of minidresses, high heel shoes, pantyhose, and teased hair replaced with more conservative fashions of the 1950s, with long skirts, bobby socks, cardigan sweaters and neatly tied-up hair. Their vocabulary changed as well, using outdated terms and phrases such as "Keen", "Neato" and "You kids aren't just whistlin' Dixie". After opening with the topic of "Making Our Parents Lives Easier", she introduces the band, now renamed as "Joanie and the Hep Cats". They are dressed in similar fashion to Kelly and the girls and had their guitars and bass replaced, with all three playing accordions. Kelly continues with the topic, saying that they want to make their parents happy for giving them the gift of life and implies that she and her fellow teen girls are virgins who are just waiting for the right man. She then teases that following the commercial break, they will talk about "Library Books: The Perfect Friday Night Date".
Back at the Bundy residence, Kelly admits that she didn't like how they did her hair on the show, while Al boasts that the Bundy Curse passed over him, as nothing bad happened to him. Though, a moment later, he finds out that an idea he had pitched to Jeff titled Shoe Trek was stolen and now featured actor Joe Piscopo. After changing channels and finding nothing left to watch except the The Facts of Life, Al decides to use the remote as a gun and shoot himself in the head while Kelly and Bud sing along to the show's theme song.
Following the events of "Al Bundy, Shoe Dick", it can be assumed that Kelly's talk show and her friends that appeared on the show were all part of Al's dream and did not actually take place in the MWC universe.
Gallery[]
Cast[]
- Kelly Bundy - Host
- Roberta - Guest Panelist
- Cyndy - Guest Panelist
- Samantha - Guest Panelist
- Jeannie - Guest Panelist / "Resident Bad Perm Victim"
- Joanie and the Slashettes - House Band (later renamed to "Joanie and the Hep Cats")