If Al Had a Hammer was the 3rd episode of season 6 of Married... with Children, also the 108th overall episode in the series. Directed by Gerry Cohen, and written by Kevin Curran, the episode premiered on the FOX network, originally airing on September 22, 1991.
Plot[]
At the Bundy kitchen, a pregnant Peggy calls to order the weekly Baby Bundy Progress Report, before Al and Kelly put their head in their hands. Sensing how depressed they are, Peg then ask Kelly to read the minutes from the last meeting, which reads:
"At the beginning of the last meeting I suggested we have no more meetings. It was seconded by Bud, my brother, and Dad, my daddy. We stared dully at Mom and then were forced into a chorus of "We Love The Baby." Then Mom left to pee, and Dad suggested that we play a lethal round of "How Fat Is She?" Dad guessed 415lbs. We all laughed, and Dad said "Don't write this down, Pumpkin.""
Peg then ask to let the records show that Al is a wienie. Then she asks the treasurer, Al, for a report, which he responds by standing up and showing his empty pockets. She tells to also let the record show that Al has nothing
Bud paying his respects to the baby
in his pants. Bud walks in and as he gets near the staircase, he notices the meeting and tries to escape, before Peg yells at him, demanding he takes place at the meeting table, but first has to pay his respect to the fetus, telling it: "O, most glorious inhabitant of the womb, please accept the blessing of this unworthy one. I love you more than I love myself...Hail baby!".
After being allowed to take his seat, he tells the family that he has great news, that he got a scholarship and is going to a junior college, to which Peg ask how does it pertain to the baby. Ignoring her, he tells them that he will now be going to school across town, to avoid the problems he's had living in their area. He also reveals that since women love new blood, his plan is to give himself a new persona, a bad boy rapper from the streets of New York, named Grandmaster B and to tell people that his parents sent him out to Chicago to clean up his act as he either killed someone or spray-painted a bum or a tree. Peg is quick to point out that his story is very similar to The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, but Bud tells her that since its on NBC, no one will notice. So now he reminds them to pretend that he's not related to them and vows that he will not be dateless this year, before donning a backwards black baseball cap and sunglasses, then crossing his arms in a rapper-like manner. Peg comments that it was just yesterday that he was in diapers, and Kelly points out that it literally happened. Bud reminds her that he killed a man in New York, before Kelly sarcastially apologizes and calls him Ghostbuter B.
Peg then continues with the meeting, noting that since Al is broke, they will be pressed for room and so she will have the baby sleep in their room at the foot of their bed. Al gets up and tells the family that he would rather sleep in a bunk bed under Oprah, have a threesome with Rosanne and Tom Arnold or play naked Twister with all of the Golden Girls, than have to share the room with the baby. Peg then calls for a vote and Al is unanimously voted against, with his veto being ignored and his words to remind her that he is the man of the house go unnoticed. Peg then stands at the staircase and has Al push up her, while noting that she's now over 500lbs.
The next day, Bud, in his Grandmaster B persona, brings a girl named Jill to the house, claiming that its his temporary pad and then thanks her for carrying his books home. She tells him she'd do anything for him, to keep his gun hand free, before calling him Mix Master B. He corrects her and tells her that he doesn't carry a gun
Grandmaster B posing after rapping for Jill
anymore, because he has a new life in Chicago. Jill gets excited now and Bud tells her that he wants her, but she first ask to hear a rap from him. He obliges, taking a telephone, does a beatbox sound effect and performs his rap, It's A Lonely Life For Grandmaster B. Jill thanks him and as they start making out, Peg and Kelly come down the staircase, with Peg boasting that her little man is getting his first kiss and Kelly calling him Grandma B. Embarrassed, he tells Jill to go home and wait by the phone for him, or else she'll move down the list. As she leaves, Bud turns to Kelly and Peg and tells them its Grand-Master-B and that they're ruining his coolness, with Peg apologizing but calls him Grand Marshall B. Kelly then chimes in, telling its actually Bed Wetter B, while Peg starts to think it was Court Jester B before they both start laughing together at Bud's expense. Al starts calling out for Peg as he runs down the stairs with a box in hand, claiming its something that belonged to his father. He goes up to Bud and asks him what he thinks it could be, and thinking that he may have found one of his inflatable rubber woman, he tries to defend himself saying it came with his Archie comic before Al threatens to slap him with he back of his hand. He then ask Kelly, who thinks that he found a pumpkin after he referred to her by the nickname he uses for her. Realizing whats going, he reveals that he had found his father's hammer, a hammer that had been in the Bundy family for generations, passed down to each male Bundy, in the hope to build their own room away from their wives, but unfortunately none of them were successful in doing so. But now, he is determined to do so, looking up to sky and telling his dad that he's finally going to do it.
Al chasing the family out of his finished room
Al now starts building his room in the garage, and hits his first nail, but ends up going through the wall panel. Meanwhile, Peg and Marcy burst out in laughter at Al's attempt, comparing his effort at this to when men fail at sex. As Al continues, the other Bundys sit on the couch remember the failed attempts of the male Bundys of the past before laughing together about Al being different because he sells shoes. Immediately after Al informs them that he is finally done and tells they can come in for their first and only time. As they walk in, they are surprised at what he was able to do, creating a well built recreation room with not just a hammer, but dad's hammer, which starts to have a magical glow. Peg becomes sad, asking him if he really is thinking about moving out, but he replies by telling her that he has done just that and tells them to immediately leave. Peg tries to voice her concern, but Al immediately raises his hammer, now glowing again and showing a threatening looking on his face, causing them to run back out of the room.. As soon as they leave, he locks the door with several different bolts and chains and then takes a seat on his couch.
As he is getting adjusted, he hears a knock from outside and opens the garage door to see Jefferson, with a pair of suitcases. Al point for him to leave, but Jefferson comes in begging to stay with him, saying that he is tired of having sex with a pregnant Marcy every single day, comparing it to putting gas in a car that's already wrecked, but Al jokes that his car pulls into self service. Hesitant, he finally lets him stay for the night on the condition that he doesn't let anyone else know about the room and he agrees. Unfortunately, Jefferson lied and now the room is filled with their friends (Sony, Melvin, Harry, Herb and Norris) who are making a mess while Al is wedged between Jefferson and some of the guys. Norris, after getting Sony to pull his finger, then suggests they tell scary ghost stories, while Al sarcastically suggests that they strip down to their underwear and sing "Puff the Magic Dragon". Now frustrated, he gets up and tells the guys that the women are going to find out what's going on and ruin the environment, but Jefferson tells Al that he made the guys promise that wouldn't tell their wives.
Al tearing his tainted room apart
Unfortunately, they couldn't keep it a secret either, and now the room is occupied by Marcy, holding Al's hammer in her hand and several other pregnant women, who now declare Al's room to be their personal club room for their women organization, W.O.M.B. (Women Owe Men Bupkis). She then calls for a vote, with all the pregnant women in favor, while the Al and the remaining men, now huddled up in the corner, weakly oppose it. The women start mentioning personal issues, such as Harriet saying that she has "an itch my husband won't scratc'h" and another mentioning that she has hemorrhoids. One of the women, Betsy, then asks where can they go when they feel emotional and Marcy, with a huge smile on her face, says they can use his bathroom, which upsets Al. He gets up and tells them that his sacred toilet is his and his alone, before heading to the middle of the room and declaring that he will now tear the room apart as it has been tainted by the pregnant women. He then takes off his shirt and walks to a pair of support beams and looks up to the ceiling saying, "Keep the gates open, Dad, I got a busload coming for ya!". Suddenly, the voice of Al's dad is heard, telling him "Go for it, son" Using all his might, he pushes the beams down, causing the ceiling to collapse and the women and men frantically run out of the room as he continues to tear it down with his bare hands.
Back in the kitchen, Peggy welcomes Al back to the meeting, revealing that the room had been kept up for a total of 5 hours before he tore it down. He ask that the record show that Peg shares not only the wit, but also the body, of Buddy Hackett. He then adds that the record should show that his father's true legacy was failure, as he had failed, just like his dad and every male Bundy before him and now every male after him. Then, he ask where Bud is, with Kelly referring to him as Bushwacker B and Peggy as Burgermeister B before coming back to Al saying its Buck Minster B and continues to ask about Bud's whereabouts.
Bud is with Jill in the remains of Al's room, with her asking him if he got his scar in Desert Storm and referring to him as Grand Flasher, before he corrects her again and then tells her to kiss him. As they
The hammer giving off its mysterious glow one more time
starts making out, the hammer, which is hanging on a plaque that reads "Dad's Hammer", above Bud's head, starts to glow and magically slips out, hitting Bud directly on top of his head and causing him to burst out into tears. As Jill ask him if he's OK (though now calling him Dust Buster B), he calls her a buffoon and points out that he's dying, before calling out, "Mommy!" as the hammer gives off its mysterious glow once more.
Recurring cast/guest stars[]
- Cast regulars
Guest starring[]
- Bobbie Phillips as Jill
- Frank Lloyd as Norris
- Sharyn Leavitt as Harriet
- Catherine Rusoff as Betsy
- Ellerine Harding as Nelvia (as Ellerine!)
- Gita Isak as Melba
- Rick Scarry as Melvin
- Jeff Michalski as Harry
- Anthony S. Johnson as Herb
- Bill Cho Lee as Sonny
Quotes[]
- [Al, Peg and Kelly are sitting at the kitchen table. Peg taps a glass with a spoon.]
- Peg: Okay everybody. It's time for the Weekly Bundy Baby Progress Report.
- [Al and Kelly put their heads down on the table in despair.]
- Peg: Well, I can sense your excitement, so even though one of us is missing, I think we should still begin. Uh, let's start with the reading of the minutes from our last meeting. Kelly?
- [Kelly, sighing, stands up and reads from her notepad.]
- Kelly: At the beginning of the last meeting I suggested we have no more meetings. It was seconded by Bud, my brother, and Dad, my daddy. We stared dully at Mom and then were forced into a chorus of "We Love The Baby." Then Mom left to pee, and Dad suggested that we play a gleeful round of "How Fat Is She?" [Al lifts his head, worried, and Peg glares at him] Dad guessed 415lbs. We all laughed, and Dad said "Don't write this down, Pumpkin." That concludes my report. [sits down]
- Peg: Let the record show your father is a weenie. [Kelly notes this] And now can we have a report from the treasury?
- [Al stands, reaches into his pockets and pulls out the emptiness from within, then sits and puts his head on his folded arms again.]
- Peg: Let the record show your father has nothing in his pants.
- [Al is running down the stairs with a box as the rest of the family is sitting on the couch]
- Al: Peg! Peg, guess what I found in the attic. It's something of my father's that's served him well for 20 years. And now will serve me for the rest of my life.
- Peg: A pair of socks? [Peg and Kelly laugh, as he moves toward Bud]
- Al: Bud, what do you think I found in the attic?
- Bud: [nervously] If it's a rubber woman, Dad, I can explain. You send away for one Archie comic and the next thing you know they put you on a list and they...
- Al: [grumbling while threatening to slap Bud across his face] Ah, would ya... [turns to Kelly with a hopeful grin] Pumpkin?
- Kelly: [staring off into the distance before turning to Al] You found a pumpkin, Daddy?
- [Jefferson arrives at Al's completed room with suitcases in hand. Al points for him to leave, but he drops his suitcases and takes a seat next to Al.]
- Jefferson: Please, Al. Let me stay with you. I'm afraid of Marcy. She wants sex all the time. I mean, having sex with your pregnant wife is, is like putting gas in the tank of a car that you've already wrecked.
- Al: Well, thank God mine pulls into self-service!
- Jefferson: Al, Al, I'm begging you. I mean, you remember what it was like when you first got married. Sex wasn't enough, they always want - god help me - foreplay. [breaks downs and starts to cry on Al's chest]
- Al: Sshhh [pats Jefferson on the head] now, now, now, Al's here. Take it easy now, big fella.
Notes[]
Title[]
- The title of this episode is a reference to the folk song "If I Had a Hammer (The Hammer Song)" by the Weavers, but later made popular by the folk group, Peter, Paul and Mary.
Trivia[]
- This episode marks the final appearance of Al's friend, Norris, who had been on the show since season 1.
- Frank Lloyd, the actor who plays Norris would continue to appear on the show in various roles for the next few seasons.
- This episode saw the first use of "Hail baby!", which would be the three non-pregnant Bundys' constant refrain for many episodes to come.
- This episode marks the first appearance of Bud's alternate persona, Grandmaster B.
- Betsy, the woman who asks where can the pregnant ladies go when they get emotional, is played by Catherine Rusoff the wife of Ed O'Neill.
- She had previously acted on MWC a few years earlier as Mona Squab, one of the contestants on How Do I Love Thee?, in the Season 2 episode "Just Married... with Children".
- Harriet, one of the other pregnant ladies is played by Sharyn Leavitt, who at the time, was the wife of Ron Leavitt.
- Shortly after Bud raps for Jill and sits back on the couch, someone in the audience can be clearly heard yelling "Yeah, booyyy!" to Bud.
- Bobbie Philips, who plays Bud's girlfriend, Jill, would later play Kara, another girl that Bud dates a few episodes later in "The Mystery of Skull Island".
Cultural References[]
- As Peg points out, Grandmaster B's story is very similar to The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, a comedy on NBC that ran from 1990 to 1996. The show was about Will, a teenager from West Philadelphia, who accidentally gets in a fight during a basketball game and is sent to live in Bel-Air with his Uncle Phil and Aunt Vivian.
- During Al's rant after Peggy mentions putting the baby at the foot of their bed, he mentions various actresses and television show:
- "I would rather sleep in a bunk bed under Oprah."
- "I would rather engage in a frolicking threesome with Roseanne and her cool husband."
- "I would rather play Naked Twister with every one of the Golden Girls."
- Bud mentions the comic book series, Archie, when explaining to Al about the rubber woman in the attic.
- At the baby meeting near the end of the episode, Al compares Peggy to Buddy Hackett, a comedian and actor known for roles such as the voice of Scuttle from The Little Mermaid and Crabby on the show, Fish Police. He also appeared on The Love Boat, which Ted McGinley starred in during its later season.
- Al makes reference to the song "Puff, the Magic Dragon", which was also by Peter, Paul and Mary.
- Although the song is about the loss of childhood innocence, it is often falsely believed that the song is about smoking marijuana.
- At the end of the episode, Bud is wearing a Georgetown University shirt.
- Near the end of the episode, Jill looks at Bud and asks he if got a particular scar during Desert Storm.
- Operation Desert Storm refers to the airland conflict of the Gulf War that took place between January and February in 1991 in Kuwait. The term is often used incorrectly to refer to the entire Gulf War.
Music[]
- Bud raps "It's A Lonely Life For Grandmaster B" after he brings Jill home.
Locations[]
Sets[]
- Bundy Living Room / Kitchen
- Al's New Room
Goofs[]
- When Bud tries to run out after seeing the family meeting, Peg calls him back to pay his respects. As he walks back to the kitchen, you can see that the front door is partially open, even though he did shut it when he first came in and it can be clearly heard.
- When Bud puts on his hat for the first time, it is a plain black hat with no logo or team name on it. In the next scene, when he comes home with Jill, he is wearing a Starters brand hat with the Raiders logo on front.
- Part of the boom mic can be briefly seen when Bud is getting up and telling Jill that he'll have to rap his way out of this month's rent.
- When Norris leans in to tell Al that he used his armpit to make the fart sound, Sonny is standing in front of him, yet when the camera immediately focuses on Al, Sonny is further away, leaning against Al's stereo system and in a group circle with Norris and another man. Norris then has to walk back to talk to Al about telling ghost stories.
External Links[]
If Al Had a Hammer at the Internet Movie Database- If Al Had a Hammer on Bundyology
- If Al Had a Hammer - Transcript on albundy.net
- #108 If Al Had a Hammer - MWC Podcast on Horrorphilia
