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Kids! Wadaya Gonna Do? is the 19th episode of of season 5 of Married... with Children, and also the 99th overall episode of the series. Directed by Linda Day and written by Ellen L. Fogle, the episode premiered on FOX, airing on April 7, 1991.

DescriptionEdit

Bud is sitting on the couch with his arms around a girl named Crystal, telling her that he had to teach M.C. Hammer how to move and when he just couldn't move like Bud, he had to tell him, "Hammer, please don't make me hurt you", before she interrupts him to tell him that she knows a lie. He then agrees and tells her that he must be punished by having her kiss him. After a few seconds, he asks her if it was everything he said it would be, which she then says no, but instead tells it was like how the other girls told her it would be. He tries to go in with his "patented gyro tongue action",  but she stops him, and asks him to reassure her that he can get front row tickets to the Vanilla Ice concert. He tells her that he also showed Vanilla Ice the steps that Hammer learned from Bud and then turns off the lights and says, "Now play that funky lip music, white girl", as they start to make out in the dark.

Al, in his pajamas, comes down the stairs and mistaking Bud and Crystal for Kelly and one of her many boyfriends. He then grabs Bud and tells him "Hey!! If I told you punks once, I told you a thousand times, keep your hands off my daughter" as he slams his head into the wall before throwing him out the door and calling him "a little lemming". As Al walks away, some pounding on the door can be heard, which causes Al to turn around and say "Oh I love it when they come back for more" and when he opens the door, he is surprised to see Bud at the door. Bud calmly tell Al to turn on the lights, but when Al asked why, Bud yells at him to turn on the lights. He then yells at him again when he asks him if the girl on the couch is Kelly. Al, now giddy asks Bud if was just "Bundy-fying" Crystal and gives him a high five. He takes Bud back to the couch to sit next to her and then calls Peggy to come downstairs with a camera to see this. Crystal tells Bud that she has to go now and reminds him that the the closer they get to Vanilla Ice, the closer Buds going to have sex with her before finally walking out. Peg makes it down the stairs with the camera, asking if Marcy and Jefferson are playing "Nude Jeopardy" again. Al tells her that Bud was with a girl, but she doesn't believe him, saying that she thought that they had agreed not to make fun of Bud in front of his face, before she walks back upstairs.

As Al takes a seat next to Bud on the couch, he asks out loud if no one else sees his sex appeal. But then he reassures himself he has a real girlfriend who loves him before asking Al for $60 so he can take her to the concert or else she'll go with someone she finds genuinely attractive. Kelly comes in immediately and tells Al that she needs money for a field trip to the house of a model named Renee, who was the first to use just one name. Bud then interrupts her, saying that Al works hard for his money and it should be used for necessities, which then cause him to say that he's getting the money from Al so he can get laid. Al lightly chuckles, puts his arms around the kids and tells them:

Kids

Al debating about which child deserves his money

"Eh, both of my kids have legitimate requests, so, uh...maybe I shall solve this as the oh so wise Solomon would...I shall keep my money and go to the nudie bar tomorrow. So it shall be written, so it shall be danced. Part the seas of uselessness, I must go sleep with the red plague."

The next day, Bud is standing outside shirtless in front of the family's house, with a bottle of baby oil and a sign next to him that reads "Oil Up the Stud: $1.00, $0.50, $0.25" . An elderly woman takes a look at him, but suggests that she would only do it for a penny, before he tells her to get off his porch. A now dejected Bud puts his shirt back on and walks back inside and sits next to Buck, wondering why no one would want to rub oil all over him for a quarter, which Buck sarcastically responds with "Yeah its a real bargain". Bud. who continues to pet Buck, then tells him that they are alot alike, but Buck points out that unlike Bud, he's actually had sex and "at least I have the decency to die at 13". Bud then wonders how Kelly is doing, before her screams from far away can be heard, asking Bud to hurry up and open the door, but he deliberately takes his time to do so, causing her to go face first into the door.

Kids 7

Kelly complaining about her new job

Bud then helps her down the steps inside and she tells him about her job as a roller skating waitress at Bill's Hill Top Drive-In was horrible, claiming that she's still holding her first order in hand, as they had launched her from a giant slingshot, sending her past the car she was serving at warp 10 down the express lane with her skirt over her head. She then regrets Peggy's decision to stop her from kissing boys for money at the age of 5. She then asks Bud how he's doing on his end, before suggesting that he shouldn't bother with the oil up the stud plan, since people could just feel the chihuahua up the street for free, which causes Buck to run out the door. She then tells him that she can't miss the field trip as she's falling behind in class, as she failing Smiling 101. He tells her to calm down and suggest that he do all the thinking and planning, while she does the work for them and they'll split the profit 70/30.

After the kids head upstairs, Peg and Al come in, with Peg boasting how much she loves shopping at the mall and how she controlled her spending while Al is struggling to carry all her shopping bags. He tells her the least she could have done was stand next as they shredded his credit car, but Peg points out that its his fault, as he insisted that he get what he wanted: a Hanes underwear sewing kit. She then changes the subject and suggests they go out and do something, but Al points out that after spending 3 hours with her at the mall, buying lingerie that he wouldn't sleep next to, even if she wasn't in them and tell her that he doesn't want to hear her again. Peg still insists they do something, while Al aims the remote at her, hitting the mute button and just then Marcy and Jefferson come in, asking them why do they leave their door open, when some maniac could just come in and kill them, which Al bitterly replies "Yeah, like I'd ever get what I want".

Kids 2

Al trying to use the remote to turn Peggy off

The D'arcy's come by to tell them that they want to spend the night watching a romantic movie and would like their VCR that Al took from them a month ago, after he came by asking for a soda and Marcy told him to take whatever he would like. She then tells Al that she'd also like to talk about the flatware that he stole, but he says he didn't take her bras, which cause her to become aggressive towards him and Jefferson has to hold her back. Peggy then suggests that they go over to the D'arcys house and watch the movie with them, where they'll bring the VCR back and the D'arcys can provide the movie and food. Al tries to tell her no, but Bud comes down and tells Al and Peg that since he just Kelly a babysitting job tonight, they'll have to stay upstairs, which gets Peg excited to try on her new lingerie, including a pair of mood panties, which causes Al to aim the TV remote at her crotch and press any button to change her mind. Suddenly, Al changes his mind and agrees to movie night, running to the VCR saying "last one to your house gets to sit next to the wife"

Later on, Kelly and Bud are eating dinner together at the table, sharing a bowl of ice cream and she recounts the last time she had to babysit. In her story, she took the bratty kid and hung him over the toilet and kept flushing it and told him that the next he did it again, he would be in the toilet, though she can't remember who it was. As she goes to the sink to rinse the bowl, Bud puts his hands over his ears and starts to shiver and whine as Kelly starts to run the water from the sink. The door bell rings and as Bud goes to open the door, she wonders why would a family pay $120 to babysit one child, but Bud corrects her saying that its one family that she's going to babysit, the Hubbard children, who then run in and surround Kelly. Bud tells her that he's got the money now, and he's off to the concert, but Kelly's pleas for help do nothing, even after she asked "What means more important, your sister or some little tramp?", he quickly runs out the door. She then asks the kids if they're going to be good tonight, but the kids more set on causing trouble for her.

At the D'arcy's home, Marcy offers 3 movie choices: Anna Karenina, Beaches, Madame Sousatzka or the video that Al left in the VCR, Breast Monsters from Jupiter. Al says he's already seen, but he's up for it and Jefferson admits he's up to it too, until Peg and Marcy give him a dirty look. Al then suggests Beaches, as he is under the impression that its about two 18 year old college girls in string bikinis, but Marcy explains that its actually " a complex tale about the enduring friendship of two women over a period of 18 years", which Al interprets as "two girls swapping tans on the beach for 18 years" and then suggests to Jefferson that they can watch it until they hit 30 and then switch to Breast Monsters from Jupiter. Peg criticizes Al, saying that he loves breasts but doesn't know how to handle them, as he tends to grab her knee at night, and squeeze it, but Al defends himself saying that most things orbit around her knees nowadays. Marcy then tells the gang its movie time and claps her hand to turn off the lights. Al then says "Honk, Honk" causing Peg to giggle.

Kids 3

Kelly attempting to read to the Hubbards

Back at the Bundy house, Kelly, looking disheveled and surrounded by the Hubbard kids, is trying to read a book to the kids, which she ends up needing their help to pronounce certain words. After awhile, she decides to "capsize" the story for them, changing it into a story about her:

"When the goose got to where she was going, she met this really cool, blond goose who only had one name: Kel-lee. Cool, huh? Anyway, she was a model. Everybody though she was dumb, but she wasn't [slams the book over the boy who was aiming a water pistol, knocking him down] Anyway, she was so beautiful, that all the boys in fairyland wanted her...you know like Prince Charming, and the man with the pies and the sheep, the guy shaped like an egg, Dopey and Zeppo, Curley and Moe, and the other dwarves, etc."

But instead of going to the fairy dance, she had to babysit a bunch of troll like snot monsters who...[male Hubbard gets back and aims the gun at Kelly again]...if one of them squirts me with that gun will die a horrible, screaming death, along with his demon seed brother and sister Hubbards at the hands of the mighty dragon beast, Buck, who hasn't eaten for a thousand years [Buck is shown laying on his back]. The end.

As she asks them what they have learned, the other male Hubbard pulls out a noose and tells her "You die at dawn", and the the Hubbard kids engulf a screaming Kelly as they get the noose around her neck.

The adult Bundys and the D'arcys continue watching Beaches, with Marcy suggesting that this is a good film, which they all sort of agree on. Then they start having some internal monologues with themselves:

[Jefferson]

Why did I marry? All I ever really wanted to do was play racquetball with the guys, maybe ride a motorcycle cross country, go to California and become a porno star. Ahhh...but this is almost as much fun.

[Peggy]

Kids 5

Al showing off his earwax to Peg

What a life. Is this it? Is this the end? Did it happen last night and no one told me. Eghads...Its Saturday night. I should be out on the town, dressed in leopard, purring like a kitten in Karl "The Mailman" Malone's lawn. Ahhh...but this is almost as much fun.

[Al]

[Digging for earwax with his pinky finger] Hey, Peg would want to see this! [Shows his pinky to Peg, who then pushes it away in disgust]

[Marcy]

I know what they're all thinking..."Marcy has the smallest breast in the room." Well I'm happy about it, happy I tell you..they are perfectly symmetrical for my frame and I'm happy about it, happy I tell you. Besides, I'm smart. I have a big brain. That's what men really want.

Just then, Jefferson offers her a Milk Dud and Marcy, taking offense, calls him a "Tootsie Roll".

[Al]

How long is this movie? An eon? There's isn't a women under 50 in this film. 'Bout now on Jupiter, the breast gladiators would be dueling with the liquid cheese. But... gee then I'd be missing out on all this human feeling. God what happened to me? [Turns to Jefferson and Marcy] When I was young, I would have beat the hell out of him and made his wife hold my jacket... And here I am hanging out with them. God I was great when I was a kid...a football hero, young, strong, fast, indestructible.

Suddenly, Al starts an a Capella version of The Way We Were in his head, followed by Peggy, Jefferson, and Marcy, before singing together. After they finish, they all start to breakdown and cry.

Kids 4

Kelly trying to get herself unbound

Bud comes home to a house that has furniture and toilet paper scattered about and Kelly tied up by the staircase. He greets her and tells her "The greatest thing...I got her front row. I got her backstage. I got her...I was so cool." As she asks him to untie her, he asks her how would she feel to know that he spent her portion of the profit on Crystal, and she tells him that she'll kill him. Hearing this, Bud then tells her that he's going to go upstairs now and will see her in the morning, as "a bad thing do make you sleepy", leaving a frustrated Kelly stuck to the staircase as she attempts to break free.


Guest stars/Recurring castEdit

Cast regulars

Guest starringEdit

TriviaEdit

  • The title of this episode is from the phrase "Kids! What are you to do?" combined with the catchphrase of then-WWF wrestler Hulk Hogan "Wadaya gonna do, when the largest arms in the world run wild on you?".
  • This episode originally aired as a one-hour "special" along with the (backdoor) pilot showing of "Top of the Heap".
  • Two of the Hubbard children, January and April, are played by Matt and Samantha Leavitt, the son and daughter of Ron Leavitt, one of the co-creators of the show.
  • There is some debate as to whether or not Bud lost his virginity in this episode to Crystal or to Jaine in season 7's Wedding Show, though he seems to hint in this episode that he finally had sex, since he got her both up front and backstage at the concert, as she indicated to him "The closer I get to Ice, the closer you get to the heat".
  • Matt and Samantha Leavitt, along with Cheri and Kristen Semon (who played January, April, July and December Hubbard respectively) would appear in different roles on Married with Children in the season 7 episode, Christmas.
  • The song the Bundys and D'Arcys sing during the movie is "The Way We Were", originally sung by Barbra Streisand, and used in the 1973 film of the same name, which also starred her and Robert Redford.
  • This is the second time a reference to the MC Hammer album "Please Hammer, Don't Hurt 'Em" in this season, the first being in All Night Security Dude, when Al defends himself after Peg accused him of walking to the aerobics studio every morning and ask the fat women if that was a Milky Way bar on the floor, telling Peg that they probably lost more weight "wrestling for that imaginary candy bar than to twisting to Hammer's 'Please Don't Hurt Me.
  • Al makes a reference to King Solomon of Israel, a prophet in various religious texts, known for his wisdom. One of his most famous stories is the Judgment of Solomon. In it, two women, who had lived in the same house and had an infant until one had accidentally died and one of the mothers had switched babies, claiming the dead infant belonged to the other mother. They both appeared before King Solomon and after some deliberation, he called for a sword to be brought before him and declared that there was only one fair solution: the live son must be split in two, each woman receiving half of the child. The liar, in her bitter jealousy, exclaimed, "It shall be neither mine nor yours—divide it!" However, upon hearing this terrible verdict, the boy's true mother cried out, "Oh Lord, give the baby to her, just don't kill him!" The king gave the baby to the real mother. King Solomon's judgment became known throughout all of Israel and was considered an example of profound wisdom.
  • All of the actual films that Marcy rented are from the 1980s. Beaches is an American drama from 1988 starring Bette Midler, often listed among the 'ultimate chick flicks'. Madame Sousatzka is a 1988 British drama film starring Shirley McClaine. The version of Anna Karenina that Marcy rented is probably the 1985 version.
  • This episode mentions both Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer, who were successful rappers in the very early 90s, but their careers had fizzled out by the mid-1990s. Though both have re-gained their success in recent years with other business ventures.
  • Kelly would be a waitress again in season 7's Kelly Doesn't Live Here Anymore, where she would remain for a longer time than at Bill's Hill Top Drive-In.
  • The book Kelly is reading to the Hubbard kids is "Goody Goose".

GoofsEdit

  • When Al tries to lift up the VCR to bring to the D'Arcy's home, its obviously not connected to the TV set or outlet, yet he struggles to move it.
  • When the Hubbard children crowd around Kelly, January Hubbard is shown running in with a paddle ball and a bag of marbles to the end of the couch near Kelly's head. When the camera zooms in on Kelly as she asks Bud if she or some tramp is more important, he already has a handful of marbles in his hand, and then when Kelly asks if they are going to behave the marbles have disappeared, leaving him with just the paddle ball.
  • When the Bundys are at the D'Arcy's house, there are two bottles of beers standing upright on the coffee table. Then, when Peg mentions to Al that he hasn't "even learned to capture breasts on this planet yet", one of the bottles is somehow knocked down. Finally, Marcy says "Shall we movie?" and both bottles are standing up again.
  • When Al says "Well, in my defense, these days, most things on her orbit around her knees", his left hand can been seen moving up to get some chips, yet when it immediately cuts to Jefferson and Marcy, his right hand is already coming out of the bag of chips and his left hand is resting on his leg.

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