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I Who Have Nothing is the 13th episode of season 6 of Married...With Children, also the 118th overall series episode. Directed by Gerry Cohen, and written by Katherine Green, the episode premiered on the FOX network, airing on December 22, 1991.

SynopsisEdit

Al discovers that he truly has no possessions of his own, and decides to get back one of the things that truly meant a lot to him — his championship game ball that he gave to a once-skinny cheerleader who wants Al for sex.

Plot descriptionEdit

The entire Bundy family walk into the house, smiling and laughing, while carrying some pricey items, such as a painting and two portable televisions. Peggy tells Al that it was a fun family day as she and the kids hug and thank him for taking them along with him. Kelly then asks why don't they do this more often, but Al points out that its not everyday that an uncle dies and the coroner forgets to lock the house. Peggy then comments at how surprised she was to see how greedy the family can get, such as Al's cousin, Shelia, who wanted the portable televisons that Peggy took instead.

Peg then asks the kids how did they do when looting the house. Kelly shows off the mink coat that she took from the mistress/widow of Al's uncle, but Peg points out that she's still actually alive and that that wasn't in Uncle Joe's closet, before Kelly defends herself saying the rest of the Bundys in attendence were looting Joe's closet. Bud, on the other hand thought he found a gold tooth, but turned out to be just a regular tooth that has turned to "Bundy Yellow", as Peg points out and has Al show off his Bundy Yellow teeth. Bud is disppointed, but Al reminds him that there is an Aunt Ady who is really sick. Kelly then asks Al what he got and he is happy that he got the pocketwatch that Uncle Joe said he would let him have when he saw him last, at the age of 7.

As Al admires the pocketwatch, the doorbell rings and he goes to answer it. He sees Heather, his uncle's mistress and her lawyer, with their arms interlocked. He tells her how sorry the family is for her loss, before she pointing out that he tried to bite the ring off the finger of Uncle Joe, but Al defends himself saying he was merely trying to kiss
I who have nothing 3

Al getting ready to fight Aunt Heather and her lawyer for the pocketwatch

his hand as he loved the man. Heather seems to not care and demands all of the items that they had taken, starting with the pocketwatch. Al tells her that his uncle wanted him to keep it, beliving that he probably even left it for him in the will, but Heather gleefully tells him that there was no will, so everything belongs to her now. As she tries to step foward and take it directly, Al steps back and then goes into a fight stance, saying he's ready to duke it out with her and the lawyer. Her lawyer sees this and reminds him that there are laws against stealing and "overflowing a dead man's toilet". Heather uses this opportunity to swipe the watch and her coat back from them, while telling them they should be ashamed of they've done. As she starts to feel bad that these items are all she has left of Joe, the lawyer tells her to hurry up so they can get to the pawnshop by 6pm and then catch their flight to Bimini.

Peggy then tells Al that his relatives are scum, as she pours out the silverware she took earlier. Al tells the family that he was sure that Uncle Joe wanted him to have the watch and then wonders what kind of person won't keep a will, before revealing that he doesn't have one yet.  Realzing how things went down with Uncle Joe and Aunt Heather, he tells them that he'll, make one right away, telling them:

"I shall gather all of my belongings. I've worked for 25 years. I've lived and I've loved...later on, I even married. All that is mine shall be divided among you."

Later on, Al, looking in a brown box, curses outloud as he realizes that he has nothing. Bud
I who have nothing 4

Al coming to the sad conclusion that he has nothing to leave behind for his family

tries to reassure him that its not totally true, as he happens to have a .45 of "Under The Boardwalk", a baseball card of Joe Nuxhull and a copy of "Sports Hijinx" on Betamax. Disappointed at the findings, he asks Peggy why is it that after 25 years of working, he hasn't accumluated much, before telling him that its because he just doesn't have the brains or luck to have wealth. Peg suggest that the kids give him a kiss to reassure him, but Bud looks disgusted, telling her that he's not dead yet. She then points on a smile and gleefully tells them that he's close enough to it and gives Al a kiss on the cheek. He then asks for a pen and paper to write down all of his worldly possesions, which Peg gives him a small strip of paper. He tells her that he is serious and ask them how they would remember, which they respond by saying they'll remember him as a lover, father and provider, before they burst out into laughter and then leave him to finish up his will. He asks himself why is he even bothering to write a will and proposes to leave his possessions to Buck. Jefferson walks in and offers his condolences, asking him if he wants to go out for a drink later, which he tells him he will after he leaves. He then asks Jefferson what would he have to leave the world once he dies, and tells him "a good looking corpse" before laughing. Seeing him holding the brown box, he looks inside and see the Joe Nuxhall card and starts to fold it, telling Al that when he was a kid, he and his friends woudl take those cards and fold them into boats to sail them into the sewers, but Al stops him before he can continue to fold it up. He continues to tell Jefferson that he wants something to leave behind and  tell the world that he existed. Jefferson reminds him that he has plenty of things, like his "Bundy Gold" teeth, and that he was a football star back in high school, which he then reveals that he wishes that he could say the same to his kids, but then realizes that he'll just lie to them. He continues to tell him that it would be nice to have the mementos from when he was playing back then and Al
I who have nothing 5

Al telling Jefferson how he'll divide up his football memorabilia

realizes that is exactly what'll he do, as he came to the conclusion that he should have been looking at the past instead of the present. He'll give his football jersey, number 33, to Peggy, joking that she can use it to tell her next husband that that's her age. Then he'll give Kelly his MVP trophy, so she can another one, though he starts to wonder how she already has one, even though she's never played football before. Trying to think of what he could give to Bud, he asks Jefferson for a nickle, but he tells him intead of lending it to him, he'll trade him evenely for the Dodge, before tellng him there has to be has something else to give to him. Finally, Al realizes that he can give him the football from his game where he scored 4 touchdowns in one game, telling Jefferson:

"From the greatest day in anyone's life, the day that I scored 4 touchdowns in a single game...yeah...my game ball. That is what I shall leave to my only son, the carrier of the Bundy seed and name...and from the looks of things, the last...he shall get the most special thing in my life"

Jefferson tells him that it sounds perfect and then asks him where its at, but Al tells him he gave it to some cheerleader he was "Bundifying" at the time, but he'll get it back from her as soon as he tries remember her name. As Peg comes downstairs, he calls her over and asks if she remember that cheerleader's name, which she tells him the rhyme that people knew her through "If you want to get drunk, get some brandy. If you want a social disease, just call Sandy" and then Al realizes her name was Sandy Jorgenson. Disappointed that Al would ask for that girl's name, he tries to convince her that its actually for Jefferson, as he wanted to know who his second favorite girl in high school was. After she kisses him on the forehead and heads back up, he tells Jefferson that he wishes that he could remember who his first one was as they laugh together.

Marcy, who has joined Jefferson on the couch, is watching Al on the phone getting frustrated that her number is unlisted. Marcy then asks him why did he "spend $0.25 on a phone call, to retrieve a footbal worth $0.10, to leave to your son...although I know a pig skin will forever remind him of his dad" She tells him that she would like to know something else, but Al tells her that the cups go in front, causing him and Jefferson start to laugh, but he changes his tune as soon as Marcy gives him a look. Marcy then continues on, telling Al that if he's seriously looking for Sandy, then he should hire a detective, saying that she had done so before for an old fling, describing him as being 6 feet tall and a "10",  before getting lost in thought and thinking about all the things he did to her that makes everyone else now just an empty
I who have nothing 6

Marcy talking about an exboyfriend while making Jefferson uncomfortable

shadow in comparison and seeing Jefferson getting uncomfortable, she says that there one was one that made her feel the same way and as Jefferson is about to act confident again, she reveals that it was her ex-husband, Steve who came close. Al asks her she would have the detective's number still and as Jefferson tries to say that she wouldn't, she immediately pulls a business card out and hands it to Al. A bitter Jefferson looks at Marcy in contempt, but she reminds him that it just happened to be coincidence that she had the card and that she doesn't need a lost love when she has him. Feeling confident again, he asks her is he is great, but she gives him a very unresounding "sure", upsetting him again, saying that she called him "Captain Ka-Boom" last night, but she reveals that she would have called him "Private Noodle", but he wouldn't have liked it, as she walks out the door. Jefferson tries to convince all that talk was just a joke, but seeing that Al's not buying it, he meekly walks out the door. Al tries to call the detective and a few moments later, realizes it Peg on the other phone and tells her to get off the phone.


Al, now his his number 33 jersey, Polk High jacket and a rose in hand, walks up to an apartment door and as the door opens, Al walks in and Sandy, hidden behind the door, shuts it. She asks him if he likes what he sees, but he becomes mortified at the sight in front of him and  tells her that he hasn't taken it all in yet. Seeing that she's became fat, he quickly tosses the rose aside and
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Sandy flirting with Al and talking about the past

takes a seat on the couch with her. She tells him that he looks even better now and asks what he's been up, remember the last time she him that he was starting a summer job at the shoe store, before bursting out into laughter. She then tells him that she also remember that he was going to work to get a new carborator for the Dodge and asks what happened to it before laughing hysterically again. Al, looking rather annoyed now, tells her that he doesn't relive the past and wants to focus on now, but she is able to change the subject and continues to flirt and talking about his football days before getting him to do pose like he was throwing a football. Al then tells her that she probably knows why he's there and she puts her leg over his, he tells her that she's actually hurting, but thinks its funny as he says it again and threatens to punch her.

After regaining some composure, she ask him if he regrets breaking up with her before homecoming, before whining that she still wants that dance that she owed him. Al tries to tell her that he never dances unless it gets him sex, but realzing that he's married and she's fat now, tries to get out of it. She then makes an agreement that if their song, Blue Velvet, comes on the radio, then he will have to dance with her. He agrees to and by pure coinscidence, Blue Velvet starts, causing Al to look in total disbelief, whinking up to the ceiling and saying "That's a good one, God". Reluctant, he finally gets to dance with Sandy, and she immidiately puts her hands on his behind and every attempt he made to move her hands away failed. As soon as they finish dancing, he tells her that they should sit back down, but then Rock Around the Clock starts to play and she immediately starts to shimmy and dance around Al, who stays in place to dance while making a motion with his fingers that he wants to shoot himself in the head at this point. They continue to dance and as she tries to drop and swing between Al's legs, she pulls him down, hurting his back and causing him to knock the radio off the table.

Now trying to make his way back to the couch, he tries to sit down, but Sandy suggests that
I who have nothing 8

Sandy doing her touchdown pose after getting her revenge

she massage his back, but as he tries to politely decline her offer, she shoves him down on the couch and then leaps up and lands on his back, vigoursly massaging him. At this point, he just flat out tells her that he wants the ball back, but a now broken hearted Sandy, doesn't want to give it back, saying that the ball let her knew at the time that she was special to him and then bitterly agrees to give it back to him, on the condition that they play around with it, like they used to do at the park. He happily agrees to it and asks her if she still has that good throwing arm, assuring him that she still does and to go long. She throws it and as he catches it, not realzing that he was standing on a thrid floor balcony, falls off of it, while she happily makes a "touchdown" pose, getting her revenge on him. Back at the Bundy residence, Al, now in a wheelchair and talking to Bud while holding the reclaimed football, tells him that the football is very important is to him and that he's glad that they're alone, as he doesn't want Kelly or Peggy to bask in the glory. Bud tells him that he doesn't need to whisper anymore as Peg and Kelly decided to go see a movie after hearing Al was coming back from the hospital. Being a little bitter that they di
I who have nothing 2

Al's final gift for his family

dn't care enough to get him from the hospital, he tells Bud that he went through hell and back to get this football and that he was going to leave his only son...the Joe Nuxhall card instead. Reluctant, Bud asks him about the football, which an angry Al tells him that he's going to give it to the only person he loves the most; himself and that he will be buried with all of his fooball memorabillia. Bud then asks him what will the family get now once he dies and he gives Bud a smile, before the sound of a camera is heard and a picture of Al still in the wheelchair and posing with the footbal is shown, with the written text on the picture:

"To my beloved family, Have a nice life!

TriviaEdit

  • The title of this episode is most likely a reference to the song "I (Who Have Nothing)" by Ben E. King.
  • Sandy and Al's song is "Blue Velvet", orginally performed by Tony Bennett.
  • Sandy Jorgenson was played by Wendie Jo Sperber, best known for her role as Marty McFly's sister, Linda, in Back to the Future and Amy on the show, Bosom Buddies.
  • The second song Al and Sandy dance to is Rock Around the Clock by Bill Haley and His Comets, which was known for being the intro theme for the first season of Happy Days, a television series which also starred Ted McGinley in its later seasons.
  • Under The Boardwalk is a 1963 song by The Drifters.
  • Joe Nuxhall is probably best known as being the youngest baseball player in Major League Baseball, playing for the Cincinnati Reds from 1944 to 1966 and after his retirement, was the announcer for the team until his death in 2007.
  • Karen Lynn Scott, the actress who plays Aunt Heather in this episode, appears on MWC again in the season 10 episode, Kiss of the Coffee Woman, as Dina.
  • This episode marks the final MWC episode shown in 1991.

GoofsEdit

  • When Peggy shows off the portable televisions she stole, she places them on the coffee table. After Aunt Heather and her lawyer collect the fur coat and watch and then leave for Bimini, Peg pours out the silverware she stole onto the coffee table and yet neither of the portable televisions are there now.
  • Sandy says he gave her the ball and then dumped her 20 years ago, which whould have meant he gave it to her in 1971, 5 years after they graduated from high school and Al would have been married to Peggy by then!

Recurring cast/Guest starsEdit

Cast Regulars

Guest starringEdit

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