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All Night Security Dude is the 16th episode of season 5 of Married... with Children, also the 96th overall episode of the series. Directed by Gerry Cohen and written by Glen Eichler and Peter Gaffney, the episode premiered on FOX, airing on February 24, 1991.

SynopsisEdit

Al gets a night job as a school security guard, but gets fired when the beloved football trophy gets stolen while Al was in the bathroom. Then it's up to Al to get the trophy back from former high school football rival "Spare Tire" Dixon (guest star Bubba Smith).

DescriptionEdit

Peg is sitting on the couching, daydreaming about having a wedding with Mel Gibson as her new husband-to-be. As she screams in excitement, "He does! He does!", Al walks in, much to her disappointment. He then reveals that the new aerobics studio above Gary's Shoes that has the sign "Quarter Ton Discount" about its door, caved in after they started playing "Jump" by Van Halen. He describes it as a "Cellulite Winter" and that he almost died. Peg tells him that it might have been karma, since he would deliberately walk to the studio every morning and ask if that was a Milky Way bar on the floor, but Al defends himself saying that they probably lost more weight "wrestling for that imaginary candy bar than to twisting to Hammer's 'Please Don't Hurt Me'". In addition, he reveals that while the store is being repaired, he is out of a job, and he won't be paid, which she sarcastically ask if the economy can survive this hit, before he puts his fist up and ask if she thinks she can survive his hit. He reveals that he told his supervisors that he might not come back if they ask him to, to which they replied that they would be willing to take that gamble.

Bud and Kelly walk in and Peg breaks the news to them. Kelly then ask, "But, we won't lose Tera, will we"? which causes them to laugh at the idea of they're losing their life of luxury. Al tries to defend himself by saying that the recession is affecting everyone, just as Marcy and Jefferson comes in, telling the Bundy's that just bought a pair of matching BMWs with customized license plates (LOVE HIM / LOVE HER). Peg asks why doesn't Al get one, which he says "KILL ME" was taken by her dad. Bud then ask Marcy and Jefferson how they were able to afford such expensive cars, which Jefferson indicates he might have done some insider trading in the stock market and earning over $60,000. Peg then jokingly asks them if they can lend them money, as Al is broke and they need enough to keep the Mary Kay lady from breaking her knee caps. Jefferson then says he'll do one better and says he'd let Al bus tables at his club on fish night, with Marcy saying that he could take back some butter, which cause the kids to jump on him and beg him to take it.

Shoving them away from him and calling them "prideless vermin", he tells them that he wasn't born to be a busboy, but born and breed to sell shoes, and vows that he'll be able to find work in a shoe store and won't let his family starve, before Kelly chimes in and reminds him that they area already starving. Bud then takes Al aside and tells him that there might be a job he can do at his high school, which turns out to be a security guard.

Al, now in his guard uniform, starts to walk the halls of Polk High at night, swinging his night stick while the Peter Gunn theme plays. He talks to himself about how the job doesn't seem too bad and warns all wrongdoers that will have to answer to him, before he drops to the floor and starts breaking down in tears, realizing he has become the man he laughed at as a child. As he continues to sob on the floor, Bud and his female date walk by and notice him. After he greets Al, Bud's dates reminds him that they need to go to the club and he has to pay for the date. Eagar to get with her, he begs Al for money, but instead Al points to the trophy in the glass case, and starts to tell the story of the championship match he played against Andrew Johnson High. Bud even tells him that she's not wearing a bra in order to stop him from going on, but Al continues his story, saying it was the two greatest teams in the area and it came down to the two greatest players for each school: him and a player from Johnson High named "Spare Tire". As the game was in the final seconds and both teams scoreless, he finally got the ball and ran through everyone, but at the one yard line, Spare Tire was there waiting for him and they collided. When Al got up, the audience was cheering him and he scored the winning touchdown for Polk High, claiming it was the greatest moment in sports history. Bud then reminds Al that some say his knee was down before he crossed the line, before Al angrily interjects saying it wasn't down and it was just a dirty stinking lie, and Polk High won that game. He then realizes from there, the team became champions, Al became All-City and then Peg came into his life, before dropping down to the floor again and crying hysterically about what his life has become now. Bud's date sees this and tell him that when her dad got that way, they just shot him. Bud then says that he's not his real dad, but rather that dad is his actual name, like Pops the Janitor before having to chase her down the hall.  Afterward, Al gets back up and decides to take a bathroom break, not realizing that the school is being vandalized by a large portion of students. Suddenly, the sound of glass breaking can be heard and a pair of hands in black gloves steals the trophy, while Al still remains in the stall and sings Travelin' Man to himself, completely unaware of whats going on outside.

The next day in the hallway, a drummer from the marching band is seen playing, while a stoic Al stands at attention and is flanked by students. He starts to slowly walk down the hallway while the theme from Branded can be heard. He then comes to attention at the end of the hall and then turns to face the principal, who begins to forcefully removes the shoulder straps from his uniform, followed by taking his badge and throwing it on the floor. Then she forcefully rips open the top of his shirt, which causes her to move her face back from his body smell. Finally she puts her hand out, indicating that he has to hand over his night stick and manages to break it over her knee, before pointing down the hall silently telling him that its time for him to leave. He bends over to pick up one of the remaining pieces of his night stick and then turns around, with the kids turning their backs to him as he passes. He eventually sees Bud, who had been standing there the entire time with a brown bag over his head and tries to get his attention, but Bud immediately turns his back to him with the words "I AM NOT A BUNDY" written on the back of the bag. Al then continues down the hall and exits left.

At the Bundy residence, 3 days have passed by and Al, still in his uniform and looking at his broken night stick, is sitting on the couch with Peg, who suggests he changes his shirt. Sullen, he responds back by asking "Why bother? What can I do when I'm branded and I know I'm a man" but then realizes he needs to find the trophy, but only if he had a clue. Suddenly, a knife pierces the door and Peg goes to see what it was. On the door is knife with a note attached that reads "If you want the trophy, come to Johnson High...alone...or the trophy dies. -- P.S.- You stink!". Determined to get it back, he tells Peg that he might not make it and she indicates that she would be worried, but only because he needs to take out the garbage, before he angrily walks away from her.

Al arrives at the school and turns on the light, revealing that it was "Spare Tire" Dixon who stole. He tells Al that in fact it was his team that won, saying that Al never made it past the goal line and he had actually dropped Al "like third period French", before getting into a shouting match about whether or not Al's knee was down, like Bud had mentioned before. After a minute, they stop, having a senile moment and try to figure out what they were yelling about in the first place, by retracing the the steps of their day while talking over each other:

Al:..let's see, didn't get no dinner...knife came through door...car ran out of gas, had to push it...

Dixon: ...cleaned my uniform...took the bus...damn kids took the car...

Al and Dixon (in unison): Oh yeah...Trophy!

Dixon then reveals that he should have been the one to win and the headline would have read: "Spare Tire Crushes Unidentified White Man At Goal Line". He also reveals that he could have played college football, but he fell into a deep depression after losing the game and turned to pie to drown his sorrows in, causing him to become overweight by the time tryouts came around, effectively ending his chance at a professional football career, while Al got the glory. Al points that while he did have a little bit of glory from playing high school football, he hasn't eaten in 19 years and at this point would gladly give him the trophy for a slice of pie, pointing out that he's a shoe salesman now. Challenging him, Dixon takes out a picture of his mother-in-law, shocking Al, before he comes back and shows him a picture of his mother-in-law, realizing that was even worse. Next, they debate about the quality of their lives, by showing off their best pair of socks, with Dixon's socks having holes while Al's are missing the entire bottom portion.

Al now tells Dixon that he's going to take the trophy back to Polk, not for himself, "but for the children, so they too can look at that trophy and know that they too can peak at 17". Seeing this as an opportunity to relive the glory he didn't get the first time, he decides to challenge Al to take it back from him, by getting past him and the line he's drawn on the ground, before hurling a football at Al, knocking him back. Dixon gives him to the count of 3 to get ready and is taken back, before refocusing and saying "Let's rock".

Nodding in agreement, Al starts to charge at Spare Tire in slow motion while the theme from Chariots of Fire plays, but takes an elbow to the face and spits out a tooth. Quickly recovering, he comes back charging and Spare Tire tries to throw a hook punch, but Al quickly intercepts it and takes a huge bite out of Spare Tire's arm, causing him to scream in pain, before he recovers and knees Al in the groin. They both use this opportunity to take out their wallets and take out their mother-in-law's pictures, but due to their timing, end up blinding each other. Recovering first, Spare Tire then tries to blind Al with a two finger poke to the eyes, but Al recovers just in time to intercept it and uses his other arm to knock Spare Tire's arm out of the way and rush him. Spare Tire is able to hold Al back, but a struggling Al, trying not to drop his knee to the ground finally gets a second wind and pushes through, putting the ball past the line. Exhausted, they both praise each other's skill, reminding each other that they once were and still are great athletes, before pointing out they are both really hurt now and neither one can't get up. Then, they decide that its sleepy time now, falling asleep on top of each other.

Guest stars/Recurring castEdit

Regular cast

Guest starringEdit

TriviaEdit

  • The title of this episode is a reference to a fictional television show that Peggy mentions in We'll Follow the Sun, which stars Erik Estrada
  • The scene where Al is fired from his security guard job is a reference to the opening of the TV series, Branded,  which is about Jason McCord, a US Army Calvary captain dishonorably discharged after being unjustly accused of being a coward. Everything, from the song that plays down to the drummer and the buttons ripped off of Al's shirt parallels it. Al's night stick is snapped in half in lieu of Jason's sword.
  • The song Al sings while in the bathroom is "Traveling Man" by Ricky Nelson
  • The song played when Al starts to walk down the hall as a security guard is the theme for "Peter Gunn"
  • It is revealed in this episode that during Al Bundy's football career, Polk High won the city championship against Andrew Johnson High. The two schools were named for the 11th (James K. Polk) and 17th (Andrew Johnson) presidents of the United States.
  • When Al enters Andrew Johnson High, there is a sign that reveals the mascot of Johnson High as the "Impeachers". Andrew Johnson was the 17th president of the United States and at the time this episode aired, was the only president to have been impeached by the U.S. House of Representatives (Bill Clinton later became the second). Impeachment is the first of two steps necessary to remove a U.S. President from office during his term. The second step is conviction in the Senate. After his impeachment, Andrew Johnson missed conviction by one vote and thus was allowed to remain in office.
  • This was Ed O'Neill's favorite episode.
  • When Al is challenged by "Spare Tire" to cross the drawn line, and Al tries to pass through him, the instrumental theme music of the 1981 movie Chariots Of Fire is heard.
  • Bubba Smith, who played "Spare Tire" in this episode, was an all-pro defensive lineman for the Baltimore Colts in the late 1960's and early 1970's, while Ed O'Neill, who plays Al was a defensive linesman for Youngstown State University and was actually signed to the Pittsburgh Steelers before being cut during training camp in 1969.
  • Bud's date in this episode, Trixie, had previously appeared in an earlier episode, The Dance Show, also as Bud's date who demand that he pay for their meal.
  • Peg makes a reference to Mel Gibson, an actor at the time known for films such as Lethal Weapon. He would be referenced by Peg and Marcy through the series.
  • Al mentions the 1983 song, "Jump" by the band, Van Halen, which is one of the band's most popular and well known songs.
  • Al also makes a reference to MC Hammer and his 1990 album "Please Hammer, Don't Hurt 'Em", though in this case, Al refers to it as "Hammer's 'Please Don't Hurt Me'"
  • Kelly's line, "But, we won't lose Tera, will we?", is a reference to the classic film Gone With The Wind
  • Peg makes a joke about Mary Kay, a cosmetics company that relies on people selling their products through parties and private consultations. Peggy herself would work in a similar manner for Pattie Bright Cosmetics in season 3's Episode:A Three Job, No Income Family

GoofsEdit

  • After the principal breaks Al's night stick over her knee, Al holds up one of the broken pieces. If you look closely, the break is mostly smooth, suggesting that the night stick was partially sawed in advance to make it easier to break.

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